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What if this is the end for real?

Would I rather live my life and end the story as a coward or would I rather be the one who decides how it ends?

My heart asked me that the other day and you know what? I think she is right. I have been a coward and I am done playing in the mud. That’s what I told myself.

I might not be able to have penetrative sex and so not be able to create content that reflects that. But I can take this as an opportunity to elevate my creativity.

What if people stop subscribing? Well, I believe the people who are for me are not all about what I do, but who I am. And they will be willing to journey every phase with me.

I might not have as much energy as I used to, but I can take this as an opportunity to rest and learn how to balance between sharing and retreating. Between showing up in the world and showing up for myself.

My body, my liver, and kidney might be slowing down. But my spirit is wild awake and this ends how I say it ends.

I thought my liver and kidney procedures are supposed to help me get my life, body and spirit back, but I now I see that is just going to get my body back. My spirit never left, was just waiting to be reinvited into the party. And my life? That has always been in my hands.

So, I took a deep breath, went outside on my balcony, made a hemp tea, got high, and wrote some chapters in my book. (This long-held dream is ready to be birthed, even if it’s the last thing I do) and I made a new erotic video for my Fancentro and I think I might have found a new flow and idea for this space that truly is aligned with the totality of who I am.

I am so grateful to my heart for never leaving me. Okay! I’ll head over to schedule this new post bow for 8pm.  Would you let me know how you enjoyed it?🥹

I haven’t posted here in a while and I honestly miss it. At least my heart does. My creativity might be weird and not something anyone would readily accept as creativity but my heart and soul love it and I love how it evolves.

I have been making excuses for myself, telling myself my health is not so good right now. And the truth is yes! Since 2022, I have been dealing with multiple health challenges even though I come out like no fire in my house.

And as my health continues to plummet, my body has kept changing in ways that I never imagined it could. My body no longer looks as sexy as I remember it and frankly, I don’t like it. For a woman like me, I never thought I would be ashamed of my current body and try to hide it under less revealing clothes but well I am because I am still human.

My energy dips every day and I barely have enough to get me through my day-to-day activities, much less my creativity. The last thing on my mind is sex.

But somehow, my mind seems to have a different type of power and energy at this time. Per second I can count how many ideas cross my head, but my body won’t bulge.

Then something happened to me a few days ago, that I believe might have jolted me back into reality….

I had gotten to a point where I finally gave up trying to go through it all alone. I had cried for help with the hope that the people I cried to would hearken to my cry. But Life does have a way of reminding you to go deeper into yourself and get in touch with your enormous inner resources. And none of this has anything to do with the other people but you, because everything else revolves around the main character in every play.

A lot of things happen when Life teaches you, that you will not be able to explain through logic.

It’s why I have decided to see my emotions differently, not as a leverage to create terrible people, but as an understanding of my own human nature. For just because someone behaves in a way that hurts us doesn’t mean they are bad, they are also pawns in the Grand Master’s plan.

In that moment of deep disappointment, I for the first time in a long time heard my heart speak to me and this time there was no mistaking her voice.

“Okay! Congratulations, you finally hit rock bottom, you tried, you failed! Now what? Will you get up now and look up.”

I realized at that moment that for the past 3 years, I had let fear creep in so badly that it tripped me of my joy, strength, tenacity, and creativity. I had let fear rule and ruin my relationships, I had let fear be the very air I breathe.

Fear of whether I might not have enough energy for tomorrow that I forget that tomorrow doesn’t exist, I can listen to my heart’s fears and let her tell me how to create a win-win.

Fear of never being seen for my true gifts and abilities and having to only be known for my sex energy that I forgot my soul is first and foremost a sex Goddess before anything else. I can listen to the anxiety of my heart and let it show me how and what I’d rather create that is a win-win for my intellect, spiritual gifts, and erotic nature.

Fear of having to live and die unrecognized, unnoticed unsupported, and financially unfulfilled that I stopped sharing my gifts freely. I can listen to the doubts of my heart and let her teach me how to live a win-win life.

Fear that my heart might get hurt again by the people that I open it up to that took advantage of it, that I completely shut myself out from meeting new people. I could listen to the pain of my heart and let her teach me discernment.

Fear that my body might no longer be as attractive and that terrible people might hurt me if I dare show my face in public. I could listen to my heart’s shame and let her teach me to learn to work with the body I have and remold her into her next evolved state.

Not only has all these limited me so greatly both in capacity and potential, but I might have even begun to believe my Doctors saying my body was giving up and started to give up too. 

(CONTD IN NEXT POST)

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